Conflict is an inevitable part of the human experience. While it often makes us uncomfortable, learning to engage in conflict with confidence and ease is an essential life skill. Building confidence for engaging in conflict can help us navigate difficult situations, develop healthy attitudes toward most conflicts, and minimize the negative impact of fear and anxiety conflict can have on our lives. In this article, we explore the inevitable nature of conflict, the role of emotions in conflict, and the skills and strategies needed to build confidence and embrace conflict. 

Understanding the Inevitable Nature of Conflict 

Conflict occurs in various aspects of life, whether personal, professional, or social. It is a natural response to differences in opinions, norms, values, or interests. While conflict can be challenging and uncomfortable, it is important to recognize that conflict is inevitable and can be an opportunity for growth, learning, and improved communication. Embracing conflict and building resilience in conflict can lead to more productive outcomes and healthier relationships. 

The Role of Emotions in Conflict 

Emotions play a significant role in conflict, often fueling our reactions and behaviors. Most often, these responses are involuntary, however there are ways to elevate our awareness of them and control over how we react to them. 

Conflict, or even the perceived threat of one, triggers physiological responses, such as heart palpitations and sweat.  We all know that feeling, which psychologist Daniel Goleman, PhD refers to as emotional “hijacking.” More specifically, the amygdala, Goleman explains, is a section of our brain responsible for emotions.  It is part of the limbic system, which takes care of our learning and memory.  When it senses crisis or danger, the amygdala can overtake our actions.  A rush of hormones will pulse through our bodies to make us feel uncomfortable and motivate us to react. These reactions are designed to trigger fight, flight or freeze responses.  

While this physiological response is a natural reaction to perceived or real threats, it can also lead to a heightened sense of anxiety when we experience it. As a result, most of us will develop an irrational fear of conflict.  

Awareness of the underlying causes of our fear of conflict may help us to operate from the rational side of our brain. The more we can do so, the more likely we are to operate from a place of fearless engagement. As we experience conflict with less fear, we build more confidence in our ability to engage in and survive it. Confidence in conflict can lead to better outcomes, not only because we can engage more rationally, but also because our experiences with it improves. 

We Naturally Fear Conflict 

Very few of us naturally engage in conflicts with confidence and ease. We poll all participants in the IMA New Mediator Course about their feelings toward conflict at the outset of the training using a word cloud. The more a word is repeated in the poll, the larger it gets. As you can see from the image on the left, most IMA New Mediators report fear is most common emotion they experience.  In fact, this is typical for nearly all humans. 

Because most of us fear conflict, for all the reasons discussed earlier, we tend to avoid it. Fear of conflict can be more detrimental than engaging in the conflict, but the irrational-emotional portion of our brain tell us otherwise.   

Occasionally, we may encounter people who are also conflict magnets. These folks seem to thrive on drama and conflict in certain situations. Such individuals don’t necessarily want conflict, they simply lack the skills to engage appropriately in conflict, and internal triggers fuel actions that can escalate conflicts in which they are participating.  

In any case, fear can be a powerful driving force to the way we respond to conflict, causing us to either escalate or seek to escape it. Despite the warning messages sent by our “hijacked” brain, it is essential to recognize that conflict rarely involves actual violence or physical threat. If we learn to accept that violence is not inevitable in most conflict, we may feel reassured and more confident in engaging with others through conflict. 

By gaining awareness of our underlying emotional triggers and responses, we can retrain our brain to engage fearlessly in most conflicts, leading to more productive outcomes. Conflict is not typically in anyone’s comfort zone, but there are strategies to help us be more confident in conflict situations. 

Building Confidence in Conflict 

Developing confidence in our ability to engage in conflict is essential for reducing our fear and the unhealthy fight, flight or freeze responses. By developing skills such as active listening, recognizing emotions in conflict and asking the right questions, we can become more confident in our ability to navigate conflict effectively. As our confidence in conflict grows, we can approach those difficult conversations with greater ease, compassion and understanding. 

There are several strategies for building confidence in conflict, including: 

Developing the Skills Mediators Use 

Mediation skills can transform the way we engage in conflict, helping us to listen, communicate, and problem-solve more effectively. Mediation training can help us build resilience by providing tools and strategies for navigating conflict with confidence and ease. Since most humans fear conflict, effective conflict engagement is a learned skill. It can be developed through training, support, practice and feedback. Trained mediators hone critical skills, such as active listening and knowing when and how to ask the right questions. By developing skills used by mediators, anyone can learn to engage respectfully through conflict, leading to healthier relationships and more productive outcomes. 

Embracing Healthy Conflict 

Healthy conflict involves engaging in respectful, open, and honest communication, even when disagreements arise. By embracing healthy conflict, we can learn to navigate disagreements more effectively, listen to others better, and gain confidence in the face of conflict. Healthy conflict can also help us to develop empathy, understanding, and respect for diverse perspectives, leading to more collaborative and innovative solutions. 

Practicing Mindfulness Techniques 

Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, and focused attention, can help us to remain calm and centered in the face of conflict. By practicing mindfulness, we can develop the ability to listen effectively, think more rationally, and respond less defensively. Incorporating mindfulness techniques into our daily lives can help us build resilience in conflict situations and, as an added bonus, improve our overall well-being. 

Building Resilience in Conflict  

Resilience is the ability to adapt and thrive in the face of adversity or challenge. Building resilience in conflict can help us navigate difficult conversations more effectively, minimize drama, and reduce the negative impact of fear and anxiety on our lives. When we are more resilient in conflict it becomes easier to offer others compassion and respect. Taking courses or participating in workshops focused on conflict resolution can help us build our skills and resilience in conflict engagement, leading to more successful outcomes and healthier experiences with conflict in general.  

Recognizing Limitations 

Not every situation is ideal for applying mediation and conflict resolution techniques. Sometimes, our own assumptions, perceptions, and emotions can interfere with our ability to engage effectively in conflict. In these situations, it is important to recognize our limitations and seek support when needed. This may involve taking a temporary pause from the conflict, seeking the guidance of someone we trust, or engaging the help of a professional mediator to facilitate difficult conversations. 

Embracing the Inevitability of Conflict 

Conflict is inevitable, but we do not need to fear it. By understanding the nature of conflict, the role of emotions, and the strategies for building resilience in conflict, we can learn to engage in conflict with confidence and ease. If you have not already taken a course on mediation or conflict management, consider joining over 300 participants from around the world in IMA’s courses. It is a supportive and interactive platform where you can build essential conflict engagement skills from your own space and on your own time. 

Developing a healthy approach to conflict and fearlessly engaging in conflict can lead to personal and professional growth, improved communication, and stronger relationships. Knowing that conflict is inevitable, how will you build confidence and embrace it in your life?